Drama

I went to a comic book convention today in SF. It was wonderful, I had a good time, and there were many trinkets/artwork/and just cool things in general to look at. But that was about it. I don't know why, but I came out of it somewhat unfazed. I used to get hyped up and excited every time I would go to an anime convention or comic book showing of some sort, but now...it feels different. It's definitely something that I continue to be interested in, it just seems to have lost its magic. I'm thinking that maybe the overexposure to art(going to art school) is making me want to take it in less and less. Or maybe my brain just misses the meticulous problem-solving we did in high school. Wow. I never thought I'd be saying that. Haha.

I need to vent. I had a falling out with a friend recently. A pretty huge one. For the sake of the friend, I'd like to keep it private and unanymous, using letters to represent names. Ok, so over the couple of months that I've been in college, I grew pretty close to this girl from San Diego, "L". We clicked instantly and she quickly became my best friend here at CCA. We knew everything about each other and became inseparable within the first couple of weeks. People thought we were a couple. (Practically every other guy at my school dresses metrosexual, so there is little differentiation). She played with my hair in public, and always wanted to cuddle when we watched movies together.
L was a little on the distressed side, as she was totally hung up over this boyfriend she had in Hawaii, along with some other emotional issues. I was always the trusted friend she would come to, collapse on, and spill her worries to. There were a lot of times where I had to hold her and comfort her. She could become an emotional wreck from one day to the next. People naturally come to trust me, I've learned that about myself, but this girl took it to quite an extent. We shared many a good laughs and had some pretty rocking times together, but it wasn't always such.

So we got around to partying. You know, doing the college thing. She had explained to me about being straight-edge up until her senior year in high school, kinda like me, and that there were some things that she had always been curious to try. And so we did. We let loose. However, In the morning, she would adopt this mopey, bitchy, bipolar attitude after having gotten drunk and/or high the night before. It was like she expected you to sit by her side and devote your all of your attention to her as she layed down on your bed, couch, or floor even, and would start whining about her life. She claimed to get these "natural highs" at random times throughout the day in which she starts acting all lackadaisical and not giving a shit about anything, but it was evident to me that it was more so as a result of the partying. I mean, clearly she couldn't keep her shit together. It was almost like being confined to an old couple's relationship...draining and demanding. There was an incident where I had arranged to meet a group of friends for kickball one Sunday afternoon, but ended up staying with L, who was half-asleep on my bed, whining and acting hazy, begging me to stay with her. That was only the beginning.
Another day, I invited her to my friend C's for brunch one morning. I had brought her in before, and they really liked her, but were still getting to know her. She walks in, politely greets everyone, and then silently heads to the living room. I come back after heaping a lovely strawberry-banana-chocolate syrupy waffle on my plate and find her passed out on C's couch. As before, she starts mumbling about not feeling too well and wanting me to lay down and massage her back. I sat next to her for a while, asking what was the matter and if there was anything else I could do, but she just kept prodding my side and asking me to lay down with her. I kindly told her no, I'm going to the front porch to have brunch like everyone else. She then tells me she wants a hug, so she gives me this long, drawn-out, overly tender hug. After several awkward seconds she slowly runs her hands down my spine and tells me I have a nice ass. Wtf. Random. (There were times where she made these odd, sensual movements that creeped me out a bit. Like asking me to lay down on her bed to "study" or something and ends up putting her head on my chest and half-caressing me. I don't mind it....just kinda odd.)
Anyways, as it turns out, the next day she professed to having snorted ecstasy the night before and apologized for her weirdness at C's house(which was nothing new to me at this point, it just seemed to be affecting her little heavier than usual). A little taken aback, I told her I felt that was something she couldn't handle and consoled her about it, so we mutually agreed that we would both abstain from doing any hard drugs.
Not a week later, we were invited to go with this stoner crowd (that we partied with occasionally) to a rave here in Oakland. Seeing as I had quite the plate-full of homework and had already gone out the night before, I opted not to go to the rave. L went and told me about it the next day, when we were at the De Young Museum in SF with some students. She said she had a lot of fun, and that she had a "pretty wild" night. For some reason, one of our friends that had gone to the rave wasn't talking to her much and giving her the cold shoulder all throughout the museum visit. I asked her about it and she said she had no idea. Nevertheless, I could tell she was being her usual post-partying self, complaining, falling asleep on my lap on the BART, etc.

I later come to find out from Friend B that L had taken two tabs of zanex the night of the rave. Hmm. A little peeved, and feeling somewhat betrayed, I show up at her dorm room the next morning(which I was supposed to meet her at anyways to go to the Castro Street Fair with). I confront her about it, she picks herself out of bed, hazy and irritable. (It was about 3 p.m., mind you.) I guess I chew her out about it a little extensively, but that's only because I cared about her and didn't want this to become an "every weekend" kind of thing. She told me to stop lecturing her and that she was "too tired" to go to the Castro Street Fair with me. Great. I leave. I don't hear from her for the rest of that Sunday.
I decide to text her on Tuesday.

"I'm sorry I griped at you. Can we make up?"

No response.

Several days later I am heading to the computer lab to type up a paper, and choose the path that passes next to her dorm entrance. Coincidentally, I see her opening the door and walking into her residence hall with a pad of canvas and some rulers. I sprint a bit to catch up with her.

"Hey, can I come in for a second?"

"No, I'm busy working."

"Please?"

*slams door*

I text her a couple of days later, saying "Hey, you wanna come with me to the YMCA and check out that lifeguarding job you were interested in? We can go to the korean market later :)"

No response.

About half an hour later, I decide to go grocery shopping. I turn a corner and come face-to-face with her, walking alongside the stoner crowd. I wave. Nothing. Hardly a smile.

It's been two weeks. For a change, I decided to wander over to Friend B's room this last Friday, to see what that whole stoner/druggie crowd was up to. Friend B said that the rest of the group was out at this golf course(their safe alternative to toking/drinking in the dorm room), which was their common gathering place at night. As expected, L was there, sitting content amongst them as they passed around a blunt. She was acting loopy and unconscientious, laying on her back and talking and staring at the stars and giggling. She was also constantly running her hands through this guy's hair(not that I gave a shit, I was starting to feel a little asphyxiated at her being all over me). She always played with my hair. So we all go back to the dorms, with her making an effort to avert eye contact with me. We all just kind of crash in Friend B's room, while she promptly asks a couple of them to go with her to the next room. (okay...) Annoyed, I text her once again.

"Can we please talk?"

She responds, "About what?"

"Are you serious?"

"No"

I head back to my apartment and call it a night.

Today I was walking to the grocery store and I find her sitting on the curb, with the other stoner kids. She glances up, baked out of her mind, and absentmindedly looks away.

I'm starting to think that this is futile, and I should just forget about her. As enjoyable, yet asphyxiating that she made my first two months here at CCA, things are starting to make much more sense to me. I love her, just as I love all of my friends, but it looks as if this dilemma is out of my hands. I don't need or care to have a drug addict in my life. I can foresee her come crawling back to me, as that has happened a couple of times, when we got into minor arguments before, but I don't know if I can tell her to go fuck herself without caving. We'll see.