Friday, October 29, 2010

Where I end and You begin


So... we're studying buddhism in my art history class, which as I recall was the one religion that really appealed to me. It kinda found its way to the back of my head after reading Herman Hesse's "Siddhartha" my freshman year, and didn't really think about it much until now. Buddhist thought contends that life is full of "dukha"; suffering. This suffering comes about in any form of attachment, whether it be(to use modern-day examples applicable to the average person's life) work, relationships, or any material possessions. In order for an individual to reach "nirvana", a state of ultimate enlightenment for which, essentially, the religion is based upon, they must rid themselves of the influence of "dukha" in their life. This involves a long process, in which the most devout followers of Buddhism(Middle eastern) will make their way through four hierarchal stages, starting as an apprentice and coming out as the enlightened buddha(just like the original Siddhartha Gautama did during the post-Vedic period)Note that I said "influence of" dukha, in which I mean one is not to disregard the sources of suffering completely(if you disregard your job, you end up on the streets!) but rather so, take it in indifferently. Now, as I apply it to my own life, I realized I used to become so worked up about the smallest occurrences...which are just minor things that I now take in stride, indifferently. I think that this spiritual outlook may be just what I need. Thoughts?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Sudden turn-around


OK, so I have good news regarding the drama. Today, a couple of hours ago actually, my roommates sent me to CVS Pharmacy to buy some toilet paper. I walk in, like always, and head to the back of the store. I scratch my beard(way too scraggly these days), and remember that I made a point to buy shaving cream, so I walk over to the men's hygiene section. I was perusing one of the isles, looking at shaving cream and shampoo(I swear this is just like a teenage sitcom) and I look up to find L standing there. A moment lapses were our eyes meet and then she runs forward and crashes into me, breaking out into this prolonged embrace. She buries her face into the groove of my neck and starts apologizing...(we stand there hugging a few seconds until I notice an old lady awkwardly next to us purposely rattling her shopping cart to get through. xD) So we break away, and leave the isle. Then it picks up as if nothing happened. As if we're still good friends who happened to bump into each other at the grocery store. We chat a bit about how she's doing with her "newer" group of friends and whatnot. Admittedly, I was unkempt, unshaven, and mildly hungover this morning so I wasn't in a great mood, yet talking to her made me feel energized again. It felt weird. It was like re-settling into a neglected routine.

So, I'm glad to say that it looks like normalcy has seeped in again. At least I'll know to be more skeptical when growing that close to someone. If she starts acting up again, I might have to think twice about completely canning the friendship. We'll see.

BTW...someone needs to do away with Katy Perry. She's squeaky, over-synthezised, and has the intelligence of half a negative peanut.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Drama


I went to a comic book convention today in SF. It was wonderful, I had a good time, and there were many trinkets/artwork/and just cool things in general to look at. But that was about it. I don't know why, but I came out of it somewhat unfazed. I used to get hyped up and excited every time I would go to an anime convention or comic book showing of some sort, but now...it feels different. It's definitely something that I continue to be interested in, it just seems to have lost its magic. I'm thinking that maybe the overexposure to art(going to art school) is making me want to take it in less and less. Or maybe my brain just misses the meticulous problem-solving we did in high school. Wow. I never thought I'd be saying that. Haha.

I need to vent. I had a falling out with a friend recently. A pretty huge one. For the sake of the friend, I'd like to keep it private and unanymous, using letters to represent names. Ok, so over the couple of months that I've been in college, I grew pretty close to this girl from San Diego, "L". We clicked instantly and she quickly became my best friend here at CCA. We knew everything about each other and became inseparable within the first couple of weeks. People thought we were a couple. (Practically every other guy at my school dresses metrosexual, so there is little differentiation). She played with my hair in public, and always wanted to cuddle when we watched movies together.
L was a little on the distressed side, as she was totally hung up over this boyfriend she had in Hawaii, along with some other emotional issues. I was always the trusted friend she would come to, collapse on, and spill her worries to. There were a lot of times where I had to hold her and comfort her. She could become an emotional wreck from one day to the next. People naturally come to trust me, I've learned that about myself, but this girl took it to quite an extent. We shared many a good laughs and had some pretty rocking times together, but it wasn't always such.

So we got around to partying. You know, doing the college thing. She had explained to me about being straight-edge up until her senior year in high school, kinda like me, and that there were some things that she had always been curious to try. And so we did. We let loose. However, In the morning, she would adopt this mopey, bitchy, bipolar attitude after having gotten drunk and/or high the night before. It was like she expected you to sit by her side and devote your all of your attention to her as she layed down on your bed, couch, or floor even, and would start whining about her life. She claimed to get these "natural highs" at random times throughout the day in which she starts acting all lackadaisical and not giving a shit about anything, but it was evident to me that it was more so as a result of the partying. I mean, clearly she couldn't keep her shit together. It was almost like being confined to an old couple's relationship...draining and demanding. There was an incident where I had arranged to meet a group of friends for kickball one Sunday afternoon, but ended up staying with L, who was half-asleep on my bed, whining and acting hazy, begging me to stay with her. That was only the beginning.
Another day, I invited her to my friend C's for brunch one morning. I had brought her in before, and they really liked her, but were still getting to know her. She walks in, politely greets everyone, and then silently heads to the living room. I come back after heaping a lovely strawberry-banana-chocolate syrupy waffle on my plate and find her passed out on C's couch. As before, she starts mumbling about not feeling too well and wanting me to lay down and massage her back. I sat next to her for a while, asking what was the matter and if there was anything else I could do, but she just kept prodding my side and asking me to lay down with her. I kindly told her no, I'm going to the front porch to have brunch like everyone else. She then tells me she wants a hug, so she gives me this long, drawn-out, overly tender hug. After several awkward seconds she slowly runs her hands down my spine and tells me I have a nice ass. Wtf. Random. (There were times where she made these odd, sensual movements that creeped me out a bit. Like asking me to lay down on her bed to "study" or something and ends up putting her head on my chest and half-caressing me. I don't mind it....just kinda odd.)
Anyways, as it turns out, the next day she professed to having snorted ecstasy the night before and apologized for her weirdness at C's house(which was nothing new to me at this point, it just seemed to be affecting her little heavier than usual). A little taken aback, I told her I felt that was something she couldn't handle and consoled her about it, so we mutually agreed that we would both abstain from doing any hard drugs.
Not a week later, we were invited to go with this stoner crowd (that we partied with occasionally) to a rave here in Oakland. Seeing as I had quite the plate-full of homework and had already gone out the night before, I opted not to go to the rave. L went and told me about it the next day, when we were at the De Young Museum in SF with some students. She said she had a lot of fun, and that she had a "pretty wild" night. For some reason, one of our friends that had gone to the rave wasn't talking to her much and giving her the cold shoulder all throughout the museum visit. I asked her about it and she said she had no idea. Nevertheless, I could tell she was being her usual post-partying self, complaining, falling asleep on my lap on the BART, etc.

I later come to find out from Friend B that L had taken two tabs of zanex the night of the rave. Hmm. A little peeved, and feeling somewhat betrayed, I show up at her dorm room the next morning(which I was supposed to meet her at anyways to go to the Castro Street Fair with). I confront her about it, she picks herself out of bed, hazy and irritable. (It was about 3 p.m., mind you.) I guess I chew her out about it a little extensively, but that's only because I cared about her and didn't want this to become an "every weekend" kind of thing. She told me to stop lecturing her and that she was "too tired" to go to the Castro Street Fair with me. Great. I leave. I don't hear from her for the rest of that Sunday.
I decide to text her on Tuesday.

"I'm sorry I griped at you. Can we make up?"

No response.

Several days later I am heading to the computer lab to type up a paper, and choose the path that passes next to her dorm entrance. Coincidentally, I see her opening the door and walking into her residence hall with a pad of canvas and some rulers. I sprint a bit to catch up with her.

"Hey, can I come in for a second?"

"No, I'm busy working."

"Please?"

*slams door*

I text her a couple of days later, saying "Hey, you wanna come with me to the YMCA and check out that lifeguarding job you were interested in? We can go to the korean market later :)"

No response.

About half an hour later, I decide to go grocery shopping. I turn a corner and come face-to-face with her, walking alongside the stoner crowd. I wave. Nothing. Hardly a smile.

It's been two weeks. For a change, I decided to wander over to Friend B's room this last Friday, to see what that whole stoner/druggie crowd was up to. Friend B said that the rest of the group was out at this golf course(their safe alternative to toking/drinking in the dorm room), which was their common gathering place at night. As expected, L was there, sitting content amongst them as they passed around a blunt. She was acting loopy and unconscientious, laying on her back and talking and staring at the stars and giggling. She was also constantly running her hands through this guy's hair(not that I gave a shit, I was starting to feel a little asphyxiated at her being all over me). She always played with my hair. So we all go back to the dorms, with her making an effort to avert eye contact with me. We all just kind of crash in Friend B's room, while she promptly asks a couple of them to go with her to the next room. (okay...) Annoyed, I text her once again.

"Can we please talk?"

She responds, "About what?"

"Are you serious?"

"No"

I head back to my apartment and call it a night.

Today I was walking to the grocery store and I find her sitting on the curb, with the other stoner kids. She glances up, baked out of her mind, and absentmindedly looks away.

I'm starting to think that this is futile, and I should just forget about her. As enjoyable, yet asphyxiating that she made my first two months here at CCA, things are starting to make much more sense to me. I love her, just as I love all of my friends, but it looks as if this dilemma is out of my hands. I don't need or care to have a drug addict in my life. I can foresee her come crawling back to me, as that has happened a couple of times, when we got into minor arguments before, but I don't know if I can tell her to go fuck herself without caving. We'll see.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I'd like more followers...how do I go about this???

I know that a a lot more people read my blog that don't have an actual blogspot account(Claire and few select others >:-[ ), therefore preventing them from being listed as under my followers/friends list/whatever the social network categorizing for this site is...I realize it sounds vain for someone to just want more followers, but...what can I say? it seems like that's the only thing that speaks for itself in this internet world nowadays...plus I'll know that I'm not wasting my time dispersing tidbits about my life to an unresponsive public. I'm just wanting to share with those that are willing to be my 'followers', really...This isn't like the people who add you on facebook just because they happen to go to your school or be within your network, and then don't bother to even say hello or smile when they see you in real life. That irritates the hell out of me. I'll make an effort to stimulate the giving and receiving of feedback with my followers, and hopefully won't end up feeling like this is purposeless, otherwise this blog is tragically predisposed to fail like the one on myspace.

So, I was a little disappointed with last night's GLEE episode. I almost want to say that they casts atheists in an unintelligent light, as if they're the ignorant ones, not the bigots with delusions of a greater power. Like the acupuncture?? that was so random. There's no scientific proof that acupuncture is an accurate, safe medical practice...if they were really trying to present the whole atheist vs. religion argument, which was clearly the theme of the episode, they could have backed it with something more substantial. I dunno...just seemed like a weak, unsupporting idea to throw in. But then again, anyone could argue that kinda stuff is only relative to Chris Colfer's character. As you watchers know, there was tension running between the members of the GLEE club that believed they could improve the situation by praying for Kurt's dad, and then Kurt himself, who ardently dismissed it all and sobbed in a corner, behind the glass of the hospital room his dad was in. Ugh. SO Hollywood. The heavy emotional backdrop was a little too cheesy for my taste...especially when Rachel broke out into her melodrama about acceptance and whatnot. Bleh.
Nevertheless a great show. I just hope it doesn't amount to them relying on cameo appearances to keep the hype going...plenty of room to lose some steam after Britney.

An update on me. I've been a little stressed out lately...haven't been getting enough sleep, hormones are raging(naturally), and still looking, searching, passively harassing employers, for a job. *sigh* it's just a continuation of last summer.
Another thing that's been bothering me(not really, just mildly curious as to how the scenario will play out) is the gay roommate dilemma. Sadly enough, I've been warming up to him, we've been hanging out, cooking for each other, going to the YMCA, etc. even though I know it's going to spill sooner or later. I know where he stands on the issue although I'm not entirely sure as to how he will react. He doesn't seem like the aggressive type of devout christian but I could very well find myself in an awkward position, if it isn't awkward enough already. If anything, he'll promptly move out of the dorm(they can't force me to move out, otherwise I can file for discrimination) and hope I get as much as a smile when we cross paths on campus. That's it. He can accept me or haul ass and pack his shit and leave. Simple as that. Losing a friend comes second to keeping my dignity in tact, thanks.
Which brings up another issue...this cyber-bullying, harassment, and general disrespect of LGBT youth needs to stop. I'm so over it. Having been the only openly gay student this past year at Highland Park and having dealt with fundamentalist parents in the past I can definitely attest to fending off some truly shitty people and being brought down by their sick, self-concocted negativity. Go and have yourself educated before you speak...if God hates anyone, as you claim, it's you guys. Contradicting the very essence of what you preach. *fumes*

I'd like to end this entry on a lighter note, so please take a moment to settle your sight on the lovely image below. Thanks.



~~BTW where are all my artsy SF bears at?? I'm too shy to approach you guys. ;)